Bond’s report card

Final thoughts and rankings of the James Bond film franchise

Closing the book on James Bond, I feel both a deep void and a hilariously profound sense of accomplishment. I started this Bondathon on 11th June and finished it just over two months later on 17th August. It has taken almost a month (after a rest period) just to compile everything I’ve written, source images (thanks Filmgrab), draft each page on a very basic Squarespace website and get this thing published for my own satisfaction and ability to move on with my life.

Since numbers help assign some tangibility to this accomplishment, below are some concrete ones.

Movies watched: 25

Words written: 30,000+

Bond playlists made to listen to in the shower: 1

Martinis drunk: I’d rather not say

Probably a quarter sample size of the total martinis consumed

Beyond some slight liver damage, completing this Bondathon has taught me how to stick to a project and see it through to its end once the fun part is over and the rest is mostly administrative.

We never see this part of Bond’s work but no doubt he has case notes to take, expense claims to submit and other things going on outside his work hours. While we may never know what lights James Bond up beyond fencing, flying planes, climbing things, driving fast, parachuting, skiing, hacking, playing poker, eating, drinking and fucking (all of which are job-specific skills), I, for one, feel I know him better than I did three months ago.

And with this knowledge, I now feel confident in providing my comprehensive ranking of the films and songs.

My official Bond film ranking

  1. Casino Royale final score: 94/100

  2. Skyfall final score: 92/100

  3. Licence to Kill final score: 82/100

  4. The Living Daylights final score: 81/100

  5. Goldfinger final score: 80/100

  6. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service final score: 79/100

  7. The Spy Who Loved Me final score: 78/100

  8. From Russia with Love final score: 75/100

  9. Live and Let Die final score: 73/100

  10. No Time to Die final score: 70/100

  11. GoldenEye final score: 66/100

  12. The World is Not Enough final score: 64/100

  13. For Your Eyes Only final score: 63/100

  14. Quantum of Solace final score: 62/100

  15. You Only Live Twice final score: 61/100

  16. Spectre final score: 57/100

  17. Tomorrow Never Dies final score: 56/100

  18. Octopussy final score: 55/100

  19. Thunderball final score: 54/100

  20. Dr. No final score: 53/100

  21. A View to a Kill final score: 52/100

  22. Moonraker final score: 51/100

  23. The Man with the Golden Gun final score: 47/100

  24. Die Another Die final score: 40/100

  25. Diamonds Are Forever final score: 36/100

My official Bond song ranking

  1. Skyfall — “Skyfall” (Adele) 10/10

  2. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service — “We Have All the Time in the World” (Louis Armstrong)  10/10

  3. Casino Royale — “You Know My Name” (Chris Cornell) 9/10

  4. The Living Daylights — “The Living Daylights” (a-ha) 9/10  PERSONAL FAVE AWARD

  5. Live and Let Die — “Live and Let Die” (Paul McCartney & Wings) 9/10

  6. Licence to Kill — “Licence to Kill” (Gladys Knight) 8/10

  7. The Spy Who Loved Me — “Nobody Does It Better” (Carly Simon) 8/10

  8. A View to a Kill — “A View to a Kill” (Duran Duran) 8/10

  9. From Russia with Love — “From Russia with Love” (Matt Monro) 8/10

  10. Diamonds Are Forever — “Diamonds Are Forever” (Shirley Bassey) 8/10

  11. Thunderball — “Thunderball” (Tom Jones) 7/10

  12. GoldenEye — “GoldenEye” (Tina Turner) 7/10

  13. You Only Live Twice — “You Only Live Twice” (Nancy Sinatra) 7/10

  14. The World Is Not Enough — “The World Is Not Enough” (Garbage) 7/10

  15. Die Another Day – “Die Another Day” (Madonna) 7/10

  16. No Time to Die – “No Time to Die” (Billie Eilish) 7/10

  17. Goldfinger — “Goldfinger” (Shirley Bassey) 6/10

  18. Spectre — “Writing’s on the Wall” (Sam Smith) 6/10

  19. Dr. No — “James Bond Theme” (Monty Norman & John Barry) 5/10 *

  20. Quantum of Solace — “Another Way to Die” (Jack White & Alicia Keys) 5/10

  21. Moonraker — “Moonraker” (Shirley Bassey) 4/10

  22. For Your Eyes Only — “For Your Eyes Only” (Sheena Easton) 4/10

  23. Octopussy — “All Time High” (Rita Coolidge) 3/10

  24. Tomorrow Never Dies — “Tomorrow Never Dies” (Sheryl Crow) 3/10

  25. The Man with the Golden Gun — “The Man with the Golden Gun” (Lulu) 2/10

*Please note that the score for the James Bond Theme isn’t a score for the theme itself (which is a classic) but a stand-in for there being no dedicated separate theme song in Dr. No (unless you count Connery singing “Underneath the Mango Tree”)

Bondies

A lazily named category of awards I’m giving to different winners of the Bond film franchise.

Best Bond

As an INFP-T I’m led by emotion, so my pick has to be Daniel Craig. He’s the Bond whose character is the most fleshed out and whose emotions most inform his choices. I put Dalton as a close second for the same reason.

Best Run

Timothy Dalton. He’s got a 100% strike rate over his two entries. The only other Bond to do the same is George Lazenby, but with only one film.

Best Looking Bond

Connery in Dr. No looks like Shrek when he’s turned into a human man in Shrek 2, so he’s my pick. Brosnan is undeniably gorgeous and he won’t be winning any other categories in the Bondies, so he can be my honourable mention.

Best Villain

Raoul Silva. Anyone can target Bond but it takes a real cunt to target and kill M.

Best Bond Girl — TIE

Vesper Lynd and Tracy di Vicenzo are the causes of Bond’s trust issues and grief respectively and to have that much impact on a man’s life is a particular skill. Vesper gets a drink named after her and Tracy even takes his last name, albeit for a very short time. They are also both shit talking fashionistas, my favourite type of woman.

Best Ally

This was actually the hardest category but I’m giving it to Felix Leiter for longevity and making Bond his Best Man. Top three is really between Felix, Mathis and Kerim Bey but Valentin Zukovsky, Sharkey and Pussy Galore are also great allies.

Best Coworker

Could there be any other? Q (in both iterations) really goes above and beyond to help Bond out, even when it threatens his own job security. Moneypenny would’ve gotten a mention here too if she hadn’t accidentally shot Bond.

Best Boss

I’ve had some pretty great bosses in my time but I don’t think any of them would’ve fudged the numbers on my health tests so I could get my job back after going AWOL.

Best surprise

Of all the revelations from this Bondathon, the one I’m most thankful for is learning that I kinda love Roger Moore. No wonder he had the longest run.

Bond but not forgotten

Like the Alien franchise and several Bravo shows, James Bond has become a part of my identity. I find myself window shopping for vintage Omega watches, listening to the same theme songs over and over again and asking for gun barrel nail art (the one where Lazenby takes a knee) so as to proudly display my fandom.

Prior to starting this project I had very strong opinions about some of the rumoured candidates for the next Bond. While I still hold those opinions (i.e. if it’s Jacob Elordi or Aaron Taylor-Johnson I will throw a tantrum), Casino Royale casting research taught me not to say anything too outrage-fueled lest I end up embarrassed when proved wrong. 

So, what’s next for this Bond girl? Reading Fleming’s books, probably. Based on the surface level research I did throughout this Bondathon there’s a bunch of stuff that never made it into the movies and I’d like to know what that stuff is. I also plan for this piece to serve as a live document and to update it with each new Bond film for as long as I or the franchise last.

Until we meet again, 007.