The Connery Return
(*the first time he returned)
My prior relationship with Diamonds Are Forever was a strong affinity for the Shirley Bassey song and the assumption that it was a classic Connery Bond movie. Oh, to go back to such blissful ignorance.
The film marks the expensive one-off return of Sean Connery to the official, Eon-produced Bond franchise; he was paid a whopping $1.25 million in 70s money, a record at the time. This was, in my opinion (and I have some authority as a chronic overspender), a massive waste of money with a terrible return on investment.
Anyway, here’s…
Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
Synopsis
Bond avenges Tracy’s murder by killing Blofeld, only to discover later that he killed a clone and the real Blofeld is in America using smuggled diamonds to build a space laser. So Bond goes to America too and he stays there the whole rest of the film. Yuck.
Particulars
Director: Guy Hamilton
Writer/s: Richard Maibaum and Tom Mankiewicz
Producers: Harry Saltzman & Albert R. “Cubby” Broccoli
Stars: Sean Connery as James Bond, Jill St. John as Tiffany Case, Charles Gray as Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Lana Wood as Plenty O’Toole, Jimmy Dean as Willard Whyte, Bruce Glover and Putter Smith as Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd, Bernard Lee as M, Desmond Llewelyn as Q and Lois Maxwell as Moneypenny
Budget: $7.2 million
Shot: Las Vegas, California, Pinewood Studios and Kirk Douglas’ house
Based on: Diamonds Are Forever, the 4th book in Ian Fleming’s James Bond series
An absolute abomination that shouldn’t exist
Diamonds Are Forever arrived at precisely the wrong time for me to feel anything towards it but disdain. You give me the sillies after breaking my heart and instead of responding with the same mild enthusiasm that I normally might, I’m going to feel vitriol. Resentment. The antithesis of humour.
Here’s everything I hate about it.
Connery as Bond
Connery is too old, too jowly and too low-effort to just slip back into character and bring back the magic (such as it is) of the character’s early years. I don’t believe he can win any of the fights he’s in (especially the one at the end where he’s drowning two very fit Circus Circus performers) and this feels like he’s taking a big old dump on his reputation. Thank god for his 80s and 90s action resurgence or this would sour my taste on him forever.
The lore-busting Blofeld casting
Not only is it super distracting to be watching Charles Gray (who played a completely different character in You Only Live Twice) as Blofeld, his uppity British accent is just wrong. He’s still better than Donald Pleasence, I suppose, but then, so is Mike Myers.
Maybe the worst Bond girl of all time
I don’t know if I hate Jill St. John or Tiffany Case as a character but the result is the same: every second I had to spend with this Bond girl is a second I can’t get back. Whether she was written this way or a choice of St. John’s, her performance and facial expressions give Kate Capshaw as Willie Scott in Temple of Doom and I simply CANNOT.
A pastiche of itself
Diamonds Are Forever is so silly that it borders on parody. Bond escaping Tectronics in a Mars rover, the Bombe Surprise cake bomb, the stupid score accompanying the desert chase that fits more with Hogan's Heroes than Bassey’s theme – it’s all just a little irreverent for my Bond tastes, especially in comparison to the film that came before.
The America of it all
This isn’t to say Bond should never go to the US – he does in Goldfinger and again in Live and Let Die and it works in both of those films – but if the only locations are Vegas and an offshore oil rig, it’s not exactly the pinnacle of culture. Diamonds Are Forever looks bad because of its locations and it sounds bad because almost everyone is American. It’s too much, me no likey.
It’s not all bad, though.
As I mentioned earlier, I love Shirley Bassey’s theme song and it remains the best part of Diamonds Are Forever. Misters Wint and Kidd are kinda fun and Coen-esque, even if they’re never seen with Blofeld and it’s barely comprehensible that they’re working for him. The mountaineering scene outside The Whyte House is fleeting but made my hands sweaty and I enjoyed Bond’s almost-cremation at Morten Slumber’s funeral home. The stunt car driving is excellent – props to the drivers and the people who had to clean up the wrecks – and I quite liked the voice box impersonation as a gadget, even if it’s not Bond’s gadget.
Other than those few kind words, though, I had a bad time with Diamonds Are Forever but I am curious to see how I feel about it next time.
RANKING CATEGORIES (70%)
Bond execution = 3
Villain = 4
Bond girl(s) = 2
Song = 8
Opening titles = 5
Plot/action/gadgets = 3
Franchise identity = 2
PERSONAL ENJOYMENT (30%)
3/10