Die Another Day (2002)
Synopsis
Bond becomes a prisoner of North Korea, grows a beard, contends with CGI scorpions and is released 14 months later after MI6 brokers a reluctant trade. Then he goes to a literal ice land, surfs a tsunami and investigates a diabolical case of white washing.
Particulars
Director: Lee Tamahori
Writer/s: Neal Purvis and Robert Wade
Producers: Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli
Stars: Pierce Brosnan as James Bond, Halle Berry as Jinx, Toby Stephens as Gustav Graves, Will Yun Lee as Colonel Tan-Sun Moon, Rosamund Pike as Miranda Frost, Rick Yune as Tang-Ling Zao, Judi Dench as M, Michael Madsen as Damian Falco, Madonna as Verity, Samantha Bond as Moneypenny, Colin Salmon as Charles Robinson and John Cleese as Q
Budget: $142 million
Shot: Spain, Hawaii, Iceland, the UK and Pinewood Studios
Inspired by: An original story, with influences from Fleming’s novels The Man with the Golden Gun and Moonraker
Oh no. No no no no no. NOOOOOOOOOO.
I was 11 when Die Another Day came out; just a babe but old enough to know that what I was watching was pure shit. I can’t remember if I saw it in the cinema or at home on DVD (perhaps even VHS?), but the image of Pierce Brosnan surfing a CGI tsunami became the image against which I would judge all other movie effects. It may have also sparked my eventual love of gloriously bad movies and trash TV. More on that in a bit.
Everyone from Michael Apted (of The World is Not Enough) to Tony Scott to John Woo to fucking Martin Scorsese was apparently in talks to direct. For whatever reason (like, say, every one of them reading the script and politely declining), the task fell to New Zealand director Lee Tamahori, who’d done Once Were Warriors and the episode of Sopranos where Melfi spirals over saying "Toodle-oo!" to Tony and the boys.
By the Brosnan era they’d well and truly moved away from having the same director for multiple films and brand consistency was mostly tied to the recurring cast, David Arnold’s score, Daniel Kleinman’s credits and the Neal Purvis/Robert Wade screenplays. While director Lee Tamahori is the most notable differentiator I don’t think it’s his fault alone that Die Another Day feels like a really weird tonal shift from its Pierce Brosnan predecessors.
The producers’ desire to so explicitly celebrate the franchise’s 40th anniversary, TWINE’s critical underperformance and the early 2000s hallmark of CGI bukkakes all played a hand in the resulting clusterfuck that is this piece of early 2000s cinema.
I reckon if Die Another Day were a random standalone action movie I’d consider it a trash classic and watch it once a year for fun. Since it’s not, I will skewer it accordingly. First though, I have precisely three positive things to say in its favour.
The opening act has balls
CGI scorpions notwithstanding, the title credits and larger opening section of Die Another Day has the balls to do something that bucks the trend of every Bond film that came before it.
Bond does not ‘win’ the pre-titles action sequence. Instead, he’s captured and detained as a prisoner for 14 months, during which time MI6 does not deem it appropriate to broker his release. He is abandoned, tortured and hardened in a way that even traumatic events from his past haven’t managed.
Rather than doing what they normally do (i.e. random women’s bodies and abstract imagery with fleeting relevance to the story), Daniel Kleinman’s credits actually give us glimpses of what Bond is going through during those 14 months.
Sorry but the song slaps
Madonna’s ‘Die Another Day’ was nominated for both a Golden Globe for Best Original Song and a Razzie for Worst. I think this perfectly captures the divisiveness of its impact but (hot take incoming) I kinda love it.
Make no mistake that the lyrics about ego destruction – Madonna literally whispers “Sigmund Freud” and “analyse this” after the first chorus – are utterly ridiculous and its techno style dates it very specifically in this era. However, I think it’s a big swing in the direction of edginess and modernity, and combined with the title credits, I actually think it really fits the mood at the beginning of the film.
The orchestral parts of the song work particularly well with the fire, ice and torture snippets in the title credits; this is tragedy reuniting with Bond and there’s no end in sight. The beat comes back and it all feels perfectly cynical. If the rest of the film had stuck to this tone, it might’ve had a shot.
As the credits come to an end we’re left with Bond in his Jesus state, crossing the Bridge of No Return unkempt and in ruins. I can’t think of a better metaphor for the movie after this point. But before that, one final piece of praise.
This is illegal
They got me with both VR simulations
There’s a scene where Bond enters MI6 to find Moneypenny with a bullet in her head and I yelled at the screen, only for it to be a fakeout reveal of Q’s new VR training ground simulator. Phew. At the end of the film, Bond actually makes out with Moneypenny and is about to finally consummate that relationship. “Illegal!” I yelled, only for it to be Moneypenny’s own simulation. I got got! Twice!
It says a lot, I think, that the two scenes I felt most invested in were simulations. Here’s all the stuff that felt like torture.
The stupidest one yet
Bond triggering his own cardiac arrest. Peaceful Fountains of Desire, the masseuse. “Yo Mama” jokes. A Bond girl named Jinx. A non-Harry Potter invisible car. Duelling swords. A North Korean getting gene therapy to become a British Billionaire. Another giant laser. Bond literally throwing out the manual. It’s all too much and my patience died somewhere around the midway point.
It boggles the mind that Neal Purvis and Robert Wade wrote this and then Casino Royale (albeit with Paul Haggis’ input) but you can’t say they’re not versatile.
Brosnan’s performance
Like his accent in the scene where M revokes Bond’s licence to kill, Brosnan is starting to slip. Judi Dench is wiping the floor with him and in return, he’s pointing at her a lot. In fairness to Brosnan, I don’t think better acting would’ve saved this Bond from descending into nonsense. But it might’ve salvaged my opinion of his era as a whole.
Halle Berry and Jinx
Excuse the objectification but my appreciation of Halle Berry in this film is limited to her exit from the ocean. Appropriately, her acting style is as retro as the Honey Ryder bikini she wears. Watching her in this made me realise that I don’t think I’ve ever liked her in a film except perhaps John Wick 3 (and that’s mostly for the ponytail and her dogs.) That MGM was considering a spin-off for this character is wild to me.
The visual effects
The budget for this film was $142 million and the CGI doesn’t look much better than Sharknado. The cliched 2000s action cinematography doesn’t help either; it’s shot like a fucking Fast and the Furious movie. To top things off it features Palpatine zaps. Unforgivable.
A museum piece
A Honey Ryder bikini here, a Thunderball jetpack there. Fine. But throw in a box tick for every single prior Bond film and you’ve got a very unsubtle museum piece that just points out how every single movie that came before it was better in some way or another.
That Madonna’s cameo is the least cringe thing about Die Another Day is really saying something. That it has a higher Rotten Tomatoes score than The World is Not Enough is proof that humans are not an intelligent species. That Dame Judi Dench had to be around this fuckery is a crime. Having said all that, I don’t think I hate it as much as Diamonds Are Forever — its misses are gargantuan but I respect the might of its swings.
RANKING CATEGORIES (70%)
Bond execution = 5
Villain = 2
Bond girl(s) = 2
Song = 7
Opening titles = 9
Plot/action/gadgets = 2
Franchise identity = 4
PERSONAL ENJOYMENT (30%)
3/10